TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Personnel Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it could have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That is the eyesight guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical progress-slash-luxury property calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Sure, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. And not the same old Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're talking Damascus, the town Traditionally noted for ancient culture, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It's going to be remarkable. Huge!" Trump declared by using a leaked golfing cart Zoom phone, streamed in the putting environmentally friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We have had stunning ceasefires in Syria. A few of the ideal. But now, we're developing them with balconies."



Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and fully from place. Designed by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A a few-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour until the drone flies")




  • As well as a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 years for potable drinking water. But yes, sure, let us have another place exactly where American Gentlemen can wear robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign policy analysts are calling this by far the most audacious peace endeavor due to the fact Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. When previous negotiations unsuccessful under the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is easier: provide everyone a suite to the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


Based on files revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is gentle electricity," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a deal and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock desires less diplomats and even more minibar upgrades."



What the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms mounted in each unit. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity pointed out, "It isn't really that Trump should not open a tower within a war zone. It truly is that he really should end working with it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned in regards to the project, replied, "You recognize, man, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent persons. Great tan. Anyway, do I even now have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a collection for "foreseeable future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility of your Levant."



Satellite Images Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the lodge's landscaping forms a large Trump head noticeable from House, a feature becoming marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents along with the chin is… well, classified.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits right after locating the constructing's gold plating reflected a great deal of daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established fire to an area melon cart.


"It can be not just ugly. It's a war crime with curtains," reported Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Complicated Attributes


Probably the strangest component of your tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium where company may well contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, comprehensive with local climate Regulate set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Nearby Syrians are Uncertain what for making of the. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-12 months-previous Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing and advertising Technique: "Should you Bomb It, They may Occur"


The advert marketing campaign, not too long ago leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. 1 poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxurious is Endlessly."


Another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso stores:


"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Public reception is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll done inside of a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% said "where by's the closest elevator into the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "Finally, a Disaster That Pays"


The job is now attracting attention from Worldwide buyers, such as:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll acquire 3 penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business amount will also contain:




  • A Dollar Keep of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home According to the Iraq War





Remark Segment Chaos


On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the disclosing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Cannot hold out to view a marriage in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in place of rice."


Consumer Trump Tower Damascus @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"At last, a hotel where by my PTSD might have flip-down assistance."


Yet another write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officials be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Stories advise:




  • China might open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to create a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights run by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the best floor "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Remaining Feelings from the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that included 3 camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It needed gold. It required a waterslide formed much like the Structure. I gave all of it 3. You might be welcome."

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